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Hello everyone, I’m Jhenna. I’m not an alcoholic, cutter, anorexic, or compulsive liar. I am quite simply a wife and a mother of two boys who admits that I have been defeated. It’s not a flashy or dramatic story as is the case with many other support group stories but it is mine and that has to count for something. Worn down, stressed out, deflated, depressed, disillusioned, discouraged, tread upon and exhausted.

It has shown vibrantly through my actions, words and overall demeanor in the past. My kids have taken the brunt of it because they are the “blessed” ones who have spent the most time with me. Their “Mommy, mommy, mommy…” answered with a drawn out, exasperated and completely unkind “WHAT?” Their response without skipping a beat, “The sky is blue and you are pretty. Why does the dog’s booty smell icky… can I have an apple with no outside and the red berries?” And me, what was my response “Oh that’s cool, now go play while I finish this email.” This was my life for too many years when my boys were young. No time or patience for their inquisitive and many times frustrated minds.

I would escape to 12 and 24 hour shifts at work (Air Force) just to be free from their constant demands, stories, ramblings, requests for seemingly endless conversations and the neverending bottoms and noses to wipe.

I was active duty military for much my sons’ lives up until my youngest was 5 and oldest 10 years old. They saw me treat everyone I met with a big smile and glad conversation while they got the leftover, tired and worn out mom.

There were always spurts of “fun mom” with trips to the movies, parks, Sea World, East Coast, West Coast and everywhere in between but they never got my consistent best. Nope, that was saved for acquaintances, coworkers, strangers and friends. My husband didn’t even get my best. God surely didn’t get my best. The worst part… I willingly gave everyone who mattered the least in my life my best, and happily even! How screwed up is that? Totally.

What changed? How did my priorities straighten out? How did my life turn into God first, husband second, kids next, and everyone and everything else lining up there after? I was defeated. Spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally I was knocked out and it’s the best thing that ever happened to me and for me.

To be rebuilt… to be reborn… one must be broken down, one must die to self. I didn’t get any seconds or minutes in heaven so don’t look for me to write a book about it (can you sense any sarcasm?). In fact I don’t remember many of the particulars about the time I was steadily broken down but I do remember the loneliness, the shame and being very aware of the utter depravity that is born into all people, myself included. It was all very clear and apparent. I saw how my behavior and demeanor affected my relationship with those I loved most… God, my husband, and my dear children.

I was yelling and God took my voice so I could yell no more. For some time after my stroke my face was numb and I couldn’t speak well. I slurred, stuttered, and became so frustrated that I just didn’t talk when we were out in public unless I had to. However, at home, in the safety and loving arms of my family I kept at that whole talking thing. Practicing, hoping I would regain some feeling in my face, tongue and jaw muscles and finally sound “normal” again. One night I was giving my son a bath and I asked him “D-d-d-d-do you w-w-w-w-a-a-a-nt a w-w-w-w-ashc-c-l-l-o-o-th?” He looked at me and simply asked “Why did you say washcloth 3 times mommy?” I cried. I was so frustrated and did not see why this was happening to me. After I recovered feeling in my face, tongue and jaw muscles I had already seen how my kids responded to a slower speaking mother who uttered fewer words and orders. A mother who took 5 minutes to get out the words “what do you want for breakfast?” but didn’t give up getting that sentence out. They flourished in patience and understanding at the tender ages of 2 and 7 years old. I quit yelling, I patiently listened as they told and asked me things (not all the time, God knows I am not perfect and you all should know the same). I asked follow-up questions and became interested in what they were interested in. I faked it at first but then I became sincerely more interested as their faces lit up when we followed all those rabbit trails together!

Spiritually… well, truth be told I thought I was too busy for God. I had places to be, things to do, and plenty of other self-help books to read besides the Bible. Besides, I could handle everything on my own, with my own power. I was a good person and I didn’t really care what happened after I died because that was so far off in the future. I was smart, educated and had a great family and job so obviously God was smiling on me and blessing me to the max. In all actuality I was and still am a wretched sinner in need of a savior as I cannot do all for the glory of God without the Holy Spirit working in me and through me. Yup, non believers do good things but their motives are just off. For too many years my motives were selfish. A stroke is something that puts your “I got this life thing all under control” mentality to the test.  I was shown how much I needed the strength of the Holy Spirit when I felt an absolute emptiness in my heart and began to be open to the truth of scripture.

As I was filled I wanted to know more… and more… and more. I now learn from so many knowledgeable people in my life but always fall back on the truth of the Bible. That is my help book now… not self help but rather help despite myself.

I want my boys to know the truth and love of Christ and so I teach them… I surround them with people who want to raise them up in the love and judgment of God and saving works of Christ. I model behavior, words, and thoughts that show how we give all glory to God and how when he fills us up we overflow spiritual blessing and fruits onto and for others. I love, cherish, support, discipline and teach my boys through the strength of the Holy Spirit. I strive to be more Christlike each day and when I interact with or around my kids I am consistently thinking how I can be more like Christ to show them my hunger and thirst after glorifying God.

Practically this comes across as me taking time for my family, providing for them,sharing with others, doing for others, reading my Bible, telling others about the great news of the gospel, being compassionate to others, not gossiping, praying, thanking God, showing appreciation to others and being patient when my blood wants to boil over.

I always went 150 miles per hour burning the candle at both ends… I would burn out, get grouchy, blame others and crash. Then I would pick myself back up by my own bootstraps and go right back at it with the same consequences… I don’t seem like I was too smart eh! I was physically stopped in my tracks when I had my stroke. Left side paralysis left me stuck in physical therapy for almost two years. Seriously, I was putting little golf tees into holes for more hours than I care to remember. Ever try to pick up a coin off a flat surface when your hand just won’t do what you want it to do and then when the therapist looks away for a moment you slide it off the table quick and into your hand…ummmmm, nope, me neither. Picking little itty bitty microscopic safety pins out of a bin of rice isn’t as fun when you get nauseated with the intensity of concentration needed for such a task as is usually all sort of giggles and fun at every baby shower across the country. Ooh and then the physical therapist suggests you race your 2 year old son with stacking blocks and you have to report back the next week that he beat you every time and you were serioulsy TRYING TO WIN! Yup, that deflates the ego a bit. Not just deflates it but literally pops it and then makes you sit there and watch a two year old tap dance on it. Nice. I’m not bitter at all.

Guess what though, my kids were so patient with these exercises and they learned that I had physical limitations for a while. Boys that were accustomed to wrestling, tackling, and having a blast using me as their personal jungle gym learned how to be gentle, cuddle, and just be still while I recovered. We went back to wrestling around after I had recovered enough but those lessons still resound with me and my boys. They are able to take stock of the person, situation and environment and act accordingly. I learned then that sometimes I can’t fix their problems or issues but I can just be there with them and for them. Calmly and gently letting them know that I’m here.

Just the other day my 15 year old son had a cold. He hadn’t had one since last year or maybe even longer so I lunged at the opportunity to baby him a bit with honey tea, chicken noodle soup and wiping his forehead with a cool washcloth as he drifted off to sleep. Being comfortable in these gentle moments was learned by both of us when I was being broken down. I died to pleasing and doing for myself and others and worked at doing for God first, husband second, kids third and then others.

It glorifies God for a mother to care for her children and teach them about Him. God entrusted these boys to us. I’m going to do the best I can and I know I can do better if I don’t ever try to do it in my own strength. Always say goodnight to your kids each night. It doesn’t matter how old they are, always do this. If you are away a telephone call will work just fine. Tell them they are loved, appreciated, and valued. They are made in God’s image and entrusted in your care, don’t ever forget that. Slow down, put away the phone, iPad, or laptop and take the time to listen to them. Your “sure, let me see/hear” should be much more frequent than your “hold on, mommy is busy.”

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