Fridays on the Farm… From the Desk of Katja

Posted on October 31, 2014 by Jhenna One comment

From the desk of Katja:

This is me, Katja

Dear Puppy,

Welcome to the farm… actually welcome to MY farm. It’s called The Shepherd Hobby Farm and I, dear puppy, am a Shepherd. You are not. You are some little round buff ball of fur with very floppy ears. I’ve seen other puppies like you and quite honestly I’m not impressed. They just don’t name hobby farms after puppies like you and the sooner you accept that fact the happier all of our lives will be.

I feel it is my duty to explain the farm rules and give you some tips. After all, the farm is named after me… did I mention that? It is my farm.

I am not your personal jungle gym. In fact, let’s just keep a mutual two feet separation between us for everyone’s sanity. We will call it the “restraining order” game and it will be played all day and night, every day and night. You’re a puppy, you like games.
Clearly you are disobeying the two foot rule…
My food is my food. There is much food like it but this is mine. Don’t look at it, don’t smell it, don’t feel it, don’t even think about it.
There are a few cats on the farm and they want to conquer the world. The rule is, we humor them in this endeavor and they promise to avoid cuddling while paparazzi are around.
Black, brown, red, green, orange, and yellow substances are all meant to be rubbed in. The more off putting the aroma is to the lady farmer and her family the better. I get first rubs and rolls in these spots and you puppy will obviously get last dibs after all the other dogs, all cats, and goats if they are up for it.
After rubbing and rolling avoid being put on a leash. If the lady farmer puts you on a leash you will most assuredly be going to get a bath and baths make us all smell horrible. Don’t even try to rub the horrid smell of bath off on the carpet, it just doesn’t work.
Watch out for Nala, the German Shepherd with the really long hair. You’ve seen it, it’s so long you could braid it if only you had opposable thumbs. Anyways, she hates all types of group fun. She’s quite militant, kinda a Marine Corps kind of dog. Appease her by just not playing, ever.
Nala
Watch out for Axel, the German Shepherd with really long legs who has no idea his body continues behind his head. I seriously wonder about him. He’s been a little slow on the uptake of these rules and tips but I haven’t lost hope for him as he is a Shepherd.
Axel
Watch out for Fuzzy, the Shepherd who wears a disguise of a big white fluffy coat and ears that are floppy… similar to yours. Hmmmm that’s weird now that I think about it. Those ears must be part of her disguise. She sits and watches things all day long and finds interesting ways to enter the house at night. She will get you in trouble so just avoid her at all costs.
Fuzzy
Stop eating your own poop, it’s grossing everyone out.
The squirrels will taunt you, just let it go, do not engage them. Chasing them up trees does nothing, you can’t climb trees and they will just tease you mercilessly while the lady farmer takes stupid pictures and posts them on Facebook to further humiliate you.
The best snacks come from visiting children. Seriously, they carry some yummy tidbits right around that mouth of theirs, lick freely when no one is looking.
When the lady farmer and her family turns the lights out and goes to bed it is time to get on the furniture and snuggle in for our own sweet dreams of fresh bacon, eggs, and t-bone steaks. I get the blue chair, Nala gets the couch, Axel gets the other couch, Fuzzy gets under one of the kids’ bed (not the sharpest tool in the shed), and they tend to stack things on those red chairs to thwart our comfy sleeping so I guess there’s no place for you, oh darn, I really feel kinda bad for you, or maybe I don’t.
When anyone pulls up in a vehicle it is our sworn duty as Shepherds to bark ferociously and act like we will indeed rip them from limb to limb. You are not a Shepherd, we expect nothing from you in this department. In fact, having you with us will just detract from our ferociousness so you must hide in the bushes and remain unseen.
So you are a “golden retriever”, what makes you golden and what are you meant to retrieve? This is not a rule or a tip but I am naturally curious as I thought all other dogs on the face of the earth, besides the German Shepherd of course, had died out long ago as people found they had little to no use for them.
That is fine right there… no closer.
Soon it will be time for the lady farmer and the family to bring a dead tree into the house and decorate it with what I have always assumed to be dog toys. It is best to sneak these toys off the tree when no one is looking because they tend to get angry about it for some weird reason. There are peppermint stick dog toys, cloth dog toys, ceramic dog toys, metal dog toys, and even a few neat glass ball dog toys, now that’s fancy!