Fridays on the Farm… From the Paws of Fluffy, Super Kitty of the Midwest
Life on the farm can get pretty dull and there are times I just need to create some “drama” for my own entertainment. Twas a cold evening in the depths of December and the woman who feeds me, cuddles me, and sees to my heart’s every desire was giving the huge monstrosity of a dog they call “Axel” a bath inside. He had found mud hole after mud hole to wallow in, run through, and pretty much adorn like a second fur coat… the lady was having none of it and the punishment was the dreaded bath.
I watched as she led him down the long, dark, lonely hallway to “the room that shall not be named.” Horrible things happen in this room… teeth brushing, washing (WITH IMMERSION INTO WATER!), hand washing with soap (feline saliva is obviously the only “soap” ever needed in life)… all sorts of things that go against all things feline.
I know it may sound like I felt bad for this big galoot but trust me, I did not. A mere 10 minutes before this I was the one he was chasing through the woods, mud puddles, and across the horse paddock with way too many mine fields of steamy stinkiness. All the other cats claim that if I would stop, the chase would end, but I tried that once and was immediately licked within an inch of my life by the biggest and wettest tongue known to cat kind. That Axel has got to hold some sort of record for size and moisture level of a canine mouth, seriously. No sir, I’ll take my chances with a good run. He’s huge, he’ll never catch me.
The race ended as I ran and hid under the minivan and the Einstein Axel ran smack dab into the side of the van. Apparently someone was running on nose scenting alone and didn’t even see the huge vehicle coming. The thud heard around the world brought the woman out of the house and a close inspection of the side of the van. Muttering of “another dent” was music to my ears as I figured this would surely cause the big galoot to be banished to the interior of the home and out of my business. The fact that he had to get a bath was icing on my tuna fish cake.
I heard the water start running and that’s when my devious plan came to me… I would wait just long enough for him to be all soaped up and I would simply shut off the water pump in the garage. This was going to be EPIC!
I waited about 5 minutes, long enough for him to get drenched and properly soaped up and *flip*, to the “off” position the switch went. Sure is nice when light switches that run pumps do not require opposable thumbs.
One thing I hadn’t thought of was how this little prank would affect the mood of the woman giving the “Axel’ the bath. Apparently, she did not find this funny. I sat outside the green room window and watched as the bathroom door opened and the woman stomped out. There sat Axel, soapy and sudsy from head to tail sitting in the shower. When the woman left the bathroom his pitiful yodeling began. Oh…my…goodness… if only you could have heard it! He had no dignity left, none whatsoever. Oh how I laughed!
Well, I laughed until the woman came out to the garage, turned on the switch and nothing happened… Nothing. The pump didn’t turn back on and the water did not start to flow back up from the great keeper of the water below the ground. Nothing happened. There was much muttering, some words I didn’t recognize and oddly enough when I came over for some love, cuddles, and behind the ear rubs I was pushed aside without any regard! Pfft… who does she think she is?
Apparently I had killed the pump. Well, until now, no one knew “who” killed the pump and I’m still not certain it wasn’t just a crazy fluke-like coincidence. Nevertheless, the pump was dead and the woman was not happy. Axel was certainly not happy. However, I was quite happy as I perched on the woman’s shoulder, helping her try to figure out the inner workings of the pump house. Pipes and valves were a maze of confusion but I knew we could get through this together. I felt I needed to help fix what I very well could be responsible for breaking.
As we poked around I was soothed by the pitiful whining of Axel in the shower, sitting in sudsy dismay. I almost lost my balance on her shoulder at one point but don’t worry, I dug my claws in and was able to steady myself. The woman’s shriek when the claws came out certainly didn’t help me any but I forgive her. She stood up and I was forced to jump off and wait further instructions and the “gameplan.”
Imagine my surprise when the gameplan involved going inside and talking to that husband of hers. What was she thinking? WE COULD DO THIS! She and I… cat and woman, woman and cat. It would be fun playing plumber!
They got into the car and went to town for supplies, leaving the rest of us behind to listen to the yodeling cries of Axel which were starting to really get on all of our nerves. We get it, you are alone and uncomfortable sitting among a bunch of bubbles in the bathtub, stop being such a baby!
The man and woman came back all chipper and ready to tackle the project. Their breath reeked of Starbucks and their “Good job honey”, “Oh you are so good at this sweety”, and “I’m so glad I’m married to you” were enough to make me cough up a hairball. Disgusting, seriously disgusting. This was certainly not the drama I was looking for. The man bent down to take a closer look at the dead motor and I prepared to jump on for a closer inspection as well. As I prepared to leap the woman jumped in and grabbed me out of mid air. Apparently the man is not a fan of cats on his shoulder or his back, huh…weird… She put me down and I attempted the jump again. Thwarted by the woman once more, wow, she was quick. Several more attempts from different angles and directions did not have my desired effect of a place on the man’s back or shoulder for a closer look and finally the woman took me to the house and put me inside where I was to stay until the project in the garage was completed.
Fine, I didn’t want to help anyways with their stupid project. I’d rather jump up on the counters and tip over glasses of water… yes, two can play this game. What game were we playing again? I forget but take that you horrible red and white can of brown sweet liquid… on the carpet you go! Why sure, I’ll have a couple licks of that cake on the counter, no one will be the wiser. Toilet water, my favorite! I appreciate the new scratching post in the living room however the two boys are sitting on it and that is quite annoying. Luckily there is a whole back to it that just begs to be climbed like a Navy Seal climbing a helicopter hanging ladder!
Project complete, new pump, new piping, new switch and now we just wait for all the plumbing glue or whatever to set and cure before we test for leaks or “just plain screwing it all up.” Apparently we have a plumber coming in two days (It’s Friday night right now) just in case. I’m going to bet we’ll need him to come as they refused any of my advice or shoulder help.
We wait, Axel whines, cake is eaten (no, I didn’t feel the need to let them know I helped myself), and spills are mopped up.
The appointed hour arrives and the woman and I head out to flip the switch and see if we have water… and…
WE DO! WE HAVE WATER! I’m not sure why the celebration, there was always plenty of water to drink in the various buckets and horse trough outside but apparently no one wants to bathe in the horse trough from what I am understanding.
Do you think I am thanked for my help? No, absolutely not. The first thing she does is go in and finish Axel’s bath! Wow, I know how I rate!
So yup, not quite the comedy show I had planned but it all worked out to my satisfaction in the end. Axel was in misery, I got to sit on the woman’s shoulder, and I enjoyed my little party time in the house. Life sure is grand on the farm!